Foreign (041018)

it’s like we don’t even speak the same

language anymore

like we’re strangers

who’ve always known each other

but pretend not to

because being true

telling the truth

we would risk getting hurt

i used to be able to take that risk with

you

used to let you in

but maybe i did it for the wrong reason

i thought if i let you in

that you would do the same for me

always expectations

how do i let go

of wanting you to love me?

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Dialogues

Self: Brain, why are you broken?

Brain: i was born this way.

Self: could you have been helped long ago?

Brain: perhaps, but no one believed there was anything wrong with me.

Self: i did.

Brain: but even you doubted.

Self: what can i do now?

Brain: the only way is to work against me. fight me.

Self: why can’t you just let me win?

Brain: that’s not how i work.

R: “Okay. We can do that.”

we had a beautiful conversation,
it was the middle of the night
and you wanted to know
what my intentions are.
i was only gonna ask you
about work and tell you
more about the boys’ day
but instead you spilled
your heart and caught me
so off guard, i struggled
to say anything back
that would matter
even half as much
as your words.
though i doubt you knew
how much they meant to me.
i wonder if you call me
a friend.
would you introduce me
as “my ex-wife, bree,”
“my sons’ mom, bree,”
or “my friend, bree”?
maybe you’d just say
my name, without a title.
i think i’d like that.
i can’t remember the last time
you said my name.

wtf just happened?

i’m reelin’ right now. i am questioning my own ears. i think R just told me that him and his girlfriend broke up, only he didn’t say those words exactly. he said several other sentences that suggest that he is no longer with her. saying out right “we broke up” isn’t something he would do, not with me at least. we get along great, but we’re not close, so i kind of figured i would be the last to know about something like this. i’m trying not let my imagination run away with me, but my imagination’s always got her running shoes on. i know that i gotta just sit around and wait for him to tell me or not tell me, but i’m going crazy here. if they broke up it changes everything and it changes nothing, simplifies yet complicates. i’m probably gonna see him Monday, so maybe he’ll tell me then, but maybe he won’t, maybe he thinks he said enough on the phone tonight and i’m smart enough to put the pieces together. idk, my brain might explode if i think about this anymore, so imma just try to focus on other things.

Rupert, because we both like gingers.

I thought we would
have a thousand more
conversations in your garage
or under blankets
in your living room,
not watching Harry Potter.

Hundreds of trips
in your friends’ cars.
And we’d go to the movies
but view separate titles.
I’d say I don’t like my hair sometimes,
you’d say it’s beautiful always.

So many words
we’ll never say now.
I think we were both
set on destroying
any chance of us
before we even started us.

Borrowing a line from H:
One store towns
make me feel
a certain kind of way.
Will I be able to breath
next time I see you in aisle 9B?

C, if ever you read this,
know there was is gravity
between us.
Heart gravity and soul gravity.
The world will keep us apart,
unless our hearts conquer the world.

Only Humans

If God planned it all,
then this is part of the plan too.

That means God knew
we’d have these methods of communication
and how easy it would be
for someone to prevent
two people from having an exchange
of innocent words
whose purpose
was nothing more than co-parenting.

Could someone really be that insecure
that they’d prevent a mom
from checking on her sons
because they’re worried
they could lose a lover
the same way they got one?

Only God knows.