a few words about fathers

I have a father. As messed up as this will probably read, he’s just my father. I don’t feel much fondness towards the man. He’s a decent human being sometimes. He has mostly provided for his family. But I don’t feel close to him. I used to be “Daddy’s Little Girl”, but then I learned a lot of things about him when I was a teenager, things that I do not like. He’s been a better father than some men I’m sure. He did/does the best he personally can.

My children have a father, R. He is an amazing father. Some people think he’s irresponsible and makes bad choices, but I have never seen anyone love his children more than R loves J and T. J was born 2 or 3 weeks before Father’s day. R has a tattoo on his left arm that he got before I even got pregnant with J, that’s a promise that he will always be the best father he can be. It is Winnie the Pooh and friends in like a cuff around his forearm. When I talk about R people look at me funny because I speak off him with affection and gratitude. We are not your typical exes who hate each other and we most definitely do not use the kids as pawns or weapons. When R drop the boys off at my house, I meet him in the driveway, I unbuckle T and he unbuckles J, he walks us up to my mom’s garden, that’s where the kids wave bye to him as he drives away. When R picks the boys up from my house, he walks toward the house to meet us, often J wants to show him something, R lingers for a few minutes to look at the mud in the pool or a new plastic shovel or whatever imaginary food J had been cooking that day, I buckle J in and R buckles T, I say “drive safe”, he says “see you on Tuesday”, I say “text me when you get home if you remember”. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he doesn’t.

One of my brothers is expecting his first child later this year, a son. He is not with the mother still though. He is one of those people who doubts his ability to be a responsible parent, this makes me sad. He has a huge capacity to love and that is the first step towards being a great parent, you just have to remember to always act out of love for your child. My sister-in-law (my other brother’s wife) and I are throwing a viking themed “daddy-to-be” baby shower. The child has an unfortunate name, but who am I to talk?

C’s dad has a job that takes him away from home during the Christmas season. Because of this C hasn’t spent his own birthday with his dad since he was preschool aged, C’s birthday is at the tail end of November.

I think C longs to be a father, or at least a step-father. He is attracted to older women, especially ones that already have kids. I think this has something to do with the fact that he lost his mom when he was a kid.

it might have started in a Ford Explorer, but probably not…

for me the journey started five Septembers ago

R first knew we were expecting someone
when i threatened to vandalize Starbucks

i wouldn’t admit it was true until i peed on a stick
we sat and waited on a little pink plus sign

and there it was

i still didn’t believe it for a while
not until i heard his heartbeat for the first time

as he turns four in a day or two
i still don’t believe it some days

who let me take this precious human home?
who thought it was okay to trust me with a life?

J is like his father
like a twin is like his brother

speaking of twins, sometimes i’m sure T has one,
a sister, if so, i know we’ll meet her in Heaven

by the way, R first suspected number two too
before i would admit it

we were on a date (a rarity for us, regretfully)
and i couldn’t eat my pasta, aversion to tomatoes again

this time it was a blue line, different brand

and now i am forever a mother of two, perhaps three,
precious souls who have brown eyes and birthday marks