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Glory

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“What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”

I like that people leave messages on chalkboards in craft stores.

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light-hearted, heavy-headed

I am ninety eight percent happy
ninety five percent of the time
I have rough weeks,
sad days, bad moments
sometimes I can’t breathe
occasionally the sinking feeling in my stomach
is so heavy
eating or drinking anything
becomes impossible

But mostly I am happy
I am alive
I am high (on life, of course)
I am in love
I am loved
and I love
I know God
I know, God

inches by quarter inches

last night i found a row of scars
that i didn’t remember having.

last night it just struck me as strange,
tonight it screams beautiful
and points to something like grace.

because how could i forget even just one,
never mind a dozen thin little
lines that i once carved
into my fleshy paper white thighs?

when we allow our wounds to heal,
they do and that’s beautiful.

God showed me how to forget,
but he also taught me to remember.

and i remember the time i traced
every self-inflicted scar
with a red pen,
the expensive kind art-school kids use.

and R was glad to know where
every unbearable moment landed
on this body, the first naked girl
he’d ever seen in person,
but it broke his heart.

Quotes from Blue Like Jazz

On Saturday I started reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It is amazing. I want to read everything he has ever written. I’ve only got a few pages left and I seriously want to just start reading it again as soon as I finish, it is that great. I can’t type the whole book here because that would be plagiarism or something like it and plus it would take a really long time, but I do want to share some of my favorite parts so far.

  • “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love can love it yourself.”
  • “I spent an entire week feeling bitter because I couldn’t breathe underwater. I told God I wanted to be a fish.”
  • “(They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.)”
  • “I want to marry a girl who, when I am with her, makes me feel alone. I guess what I am saying is, I want to marry a girl whom I feel completely comfortable with, comfortable being myself.”
  • “What great gravity is this that drew my soul towards yours?”
  • “Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe.”
  • “They were books themselves, all of them were books, and what was so wonderful is that to them, I was a book too.”

Only Humans

If God planned it all,
then this is part of the plan too.

That means God knew
we’d have these methods of communication
and how easy it would be
for someone to prevent
two people from having an exchange
of innocent words
whose purpose
was nothing more than co-parenting.

Could someone really be that insecure
that they’d prevent a mom
from checking on her sons
because they’re worried
they could lose a lover
the same way they got one?

Only God knows.

Across the Universe

I thought about letting you go today,
but then I saw you just being you.
I don’t think I can ever get over you
as long as I can still see him in you.

The sixteen year old boy
who lent me his towel
after I had the crazy idea
to go swimming in the middle of the night.

It’s as if God is whispering,
“Don’t give up on him yet;
he still loves you, even if he can’t
say the words out loud.
Actions speak louder than words.”

The seventeen year old boy
who knew he wanted to spend his life with me.
The boy who became a father at nineteen
because he couldn’t bare the thought
of another man ever getting the chance.

Now he’s twenty four
and a better man
than he knew he could be,
but I think I knew it all along.

He shows he cares
without knowing he’s doing it,
gives himself away.

So I’ll keep holding on
because tonight you said “I love you”
but the words came out differently:
“Here’s some goat food.”
I love you too.