it might have started in a Ford Explorer, but probably not…

for me the journey started five Septembers ago

R first knew we were expecting someone
when i threatened to vandalize Starbucks

i wouldn’t admit it was true until i peed on a stick
we sat and waited on a little pink plus sign

+
and there it was

i still didn’t believe it for a while
not until i heard his heartbeat for the first time

as he turns four in a day or two
i still don’t believe it some days

who let me take this precious human home?
who thought it was okay to trust me with a life?

J is like his father
like a twin is like his brother

speaking of twins, sometimes i’m sure T has one,
a sister, if so, i know we’ll meet her in Heaven

by the way, R first suspected number two too
before i would admit it

we were on a date (a rarity for us, regretfully)
and i couldn’t eat my pasta, aversion to tomatoes again

this time it was a blue line, different brand
|

and now i am forever a mother of two, perhaps three,
precious souls who have brown eyes and birthday marks

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Unconditional

It’s 4 a.m. (Really it was 3:30 p.m.)
But don’t throw me the life buoy,
I’m not drowning yet.
This is perfectly safe,
I’ve done it a thousand times.
The mark will be small,
and don’t worry, I won’t go too deep.
Almost two years in recovery,
and I still think about it.
Still write about it.
Always recovering,
never recovered.
I’ll carry the scars and the thoughts,
my entire life.
Don’t be scared though,
I won’t leave you.
The reason you are here:
same reason I stayed.