“What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”
I like that people leave messages on chalkboards in craft stores.
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
This quote hits me hard. I read The Fellowship of the Ring last year and this quote didn’t stick out to me enough that I remembered it, but now the quote makes me think of R, but then if I go deeper I think of myself, and I see that I said farewell long before he did. But I did it in an awful way, I left my body behind as a reminder to R of what he lost and he tried desperately to revive my heart. When someone wants to be dead, whether figuratively or literally, it takes something like a miracle to bring them back to life, and even then it’s an improbable outcome. When I dig deep and go all way down to the core of my being, I see that I am the only one that left, R fought up to the last and even after he let me go he continued to fight for my happiness and still to this day he puts me fairly high on his priority list. There is another Tolkien quote that I absolutely love:
“He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.”
-Gandalf the Grey
Not sure which book this is even from, I didn’t write it next to the quote in my journal. But this quote makes me think of myself and what I did to R and our relationship, which is the sad side of it. On the brighter side of it, it is a reminder to never do the awful parts again.
So the task for Day 12 of Everyday Inspiration was Critique a Piece of Work and honestly I didn’t want to write a full-on critique, I’ve already learned that I’m not much of a book-reviewer and doing a write-up on a movie or a song didn’t sound appealing either, so I’ll calling this my post for the challenge.
A few weeks ago I started reading Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, tonight I am just pages from finishing it. It has been a pretty intense read. And my two year old now picks the book up off the coffee table and says “Jack Care-oh-wack” in his precious little voice, it’s pretty darn cute. Well anyways, I wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes from the book:
*Note: The main part of this task was to get inspired by a tweet, but an alternate route was to get inspired from a quote from Goodreads, so I chose that path.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
By this definition, I have about 2 and a half friends. This is totally cool with me though because I like it better that way, being close to only a few people, but being extremely close to them. So here’s how 2 and a half breaks down: H is about three quarters of a friend, my sister-in-law JT is about three quarters of a friend, and R accounts for one whole friend.
The reason H counts for only three quarters is because he doesn’t know everything yet and honestly I’m not sure if he’ll stick around once he knows the darker parts of my soul, but I hope he stays. JT is only at three quarters because she knows almost everything, but her love is conditional to a degree. R knows basically everything (except a few details of the past 2+ years that I haven’t found a way to tell him about) and his love is truly unconditional. I don’t think I really want more friends than these. I know JT and R would both be there for me in a heart beat if I asked for their help. I love H and JT in the way I love my siblings (well most of my siblings, except MK, but that’s a whole different story).
But R, of course, is in a different category because well for starters he was/is my first love, it meant enough that I married him, and to top it off he’s the father of my children, so even though we are now divorced (or maybe we’re not, I never got any final papers) I still count him as my closest friend. We disagreed about preschool in my parents’ driveway yesterday and during every moment of it I felt love for him, even when I was jumping up and down in frustration and he laughed a little, even when he questioned whether or not he himself had turned out okay and I wanted to yell at him not out of spite or anger but out of frustration that he does not see what an amazing man he has become.
no poem from me at the moment, but a few lines from my current favorite song:
i miss you like the summer, right now i think i need you here, but i don’t really need you, i’ll get through the winter without you
the song is called Summer and the band is called Real Friends. sitting here wishing i could see them live, hoping the stars align and a few “pretty pleases” will get me there.
“I only miss you late at night when I can’t sleep and get way too honest.”
-Real Friends, Cover You Up
i think i’m over it
think i can stop reading now
i’ve played this game out
it’s not fun anymore
and i see how incredibly
fucked up it really is
the rest of the song doesn’t fit,
but that line does
i don’t think of you in the daylight
at least not often
but come ten PM
you’re on my mind
and i’m just a stupid girl
with a stupid crush
on a stranger
and there’s another line
that fits me well:
“i’ll keep sleeping sideways
in my empty bed
to fill the lonely space,
i’m just a kid
with too much lonely space”
“I don’t know how I could exist if I did not write,” quoting myself here. And I wrote those words to H and later to AM, but this is about me, not them. I write because I like to talk but there aren’t enough people to talk to in person in my life. I write because I have a million things that I want to say to R, but I can’t text him in the middle of the night. I write because my imagination is over-active. I write because it’s natural. Will Stafford was once asked in an interview when he became a writer, he answered that the question should really be when did everyone else stop being writers? There is truth in that. Children are master story tellers and as soon as they learn to make marks on paper, they start to put those stories down on paper. The same is true regarding art, but I digress, this is about writing, but isn’t writing art? I don’t think that I write my poems, my heart writes them, but am I not my heart? I used to say that R was my heart, maybe he is. Does that mean I am R? Maybe soul mates are really pieces that fit together to form a larger soul. Stick to the topic at hand, B. I write because… I write because I exist. Wow, that was deep, yet really simple. I write because I exist. I write because I love, because I dance, because I cry, because I read, because I hike up to abandoned houses with guys I secretly wish I could have sex with, except it’s not so much a secret anymore and it’s only one guy, not guys plural. I write because I see beauty but don’t feel confident with a paint brush. I write because God gave me the words to do so. I write because I am a poem written by God. I write because R loved me with all of his heart for a time and because R still loves me with a little sliver of that same heart, the heart that used to be named after me. I write because people read. I write because I laugh. I write because I like to dress up. I write because I go to school. I write because I want to be a teacher. I write because I want to be like Jesus. I write because I am a mom. I write because words consume me. I write because I am afraid of fire. I write because I want to tell the truth. I write because I can’t tell the truth. I write to see my soul in print. I write I write I write. And I said before that I had never read any of Sylvia Plath’s words, well now I have, she wrote too.
“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still”
— Sylvia Plath
On Saturday I started reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It is amazing. I want to read everything he has ever written. I’ve only got a few pages left and I seriously want to just start reading it again as soon as I finish, it is that great. I can’t type the whole book here because that would be plagiarism or something like it and plus it would take a really long time, but I do want to share some of my favorite parts so far.
“You look like a painting.”
People say the most strange
and lovely things to me.
When I tell our stories
people think true love
“Why aren’t you two together?”
“Sometimes the hardest thing
and the right thing
are the same.”
*Note: The last verse(?) is a line from the Fray’s All at Once. That saying keeps popping up and it is so fitting with what life is throwing at me at the moment.
“Language allows culture to develop
by freeing people to move beyond
their immediate experiences.”
– James M. Henslin