Cigarettes: How to Keep Your Guard Up Around Non-Smokers/122416

You promised me the world,
when the world wasn’t yours to give away.
You promised me everything,
when you had next to nothing.
A broken boy whose love
always had conditions,
I just forgot to see them,
until your love was no longer mine.
I’ve always thought
I could win you back,
that if I love you hard enough
you’ll forget not to love me.
You said you were gonna buy me a book;
you never ask me to leave
as I crawl into your bed some time before dawn.
Sometimes you hold me
so damn tight, I can’t move.
Or when you trace every inch
of my body with your fingertips,
interlace you fingers with mine,
make me feel alive,
perfect,
safe,
beautiful.
If that isn’t love,
then I don’t know what the fuck is.
A broken boy, trying so damn hard
to be a man.
I wonder if my love
will show you how to grow up.
Or will it keep you
broken?

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Duck, Duck, Goose, and We Go Around Merrily/120416

People don’t build relationships.
Relationships build themselves,
often accidentally.
That’s the beauty of it.
And last night
I saw the Christmas lights
on your bedroom curtains.
It reminded me of a dream
I once had about us.
It was the one with the stars,
billions of them and the distance
between us that didn’t exist.
The distance does not exist,
except when you create it.
This distance you fabricate
to keep yourself safe.
But I could keep you
safe,
or at least try my damnedest
to.
On the nights no one’s looking
we look like we fit,
as you curl your body
around me
and I’ve stopped wearing socks to bed
just to feel your cold feet.
Sometimes you call me baby
or interlace your fingers with mine,
those are the moments
you forget what we are
and get lost
in what we could be.
You can keep calling a duck
a goose,
but she knows what she is.

Unconditional

It’s 4 a.m. (Really it was 3:30 p.m.)
But don’t throw me the life buoy,
I’m not drowning yet.
This is perfectly safe,
I’ve done it a thousand times.
The mark will be small,
and don’t worry, I won’t go too deep.
Almost two years in recovery,
and I still think about it.
Still write about it.
Always recovering,
never recovered.
I’ll carry the scars and the thoughts,
my entire life.
Don’t be scared though,
I won’t leave you.
The reason you are here:
same reason I stayed.