Ode to Lost Gloves/020417

I’m sorry you were lost and left behind
I’d pick you all up and make you
Into a sculpture if I wasn’t so lazy
My heart breaks for you
For your soft fingers
That will never be filled with flesh again
Your owners have gone on with their lives
They will not remember you
Instead they’ll buy another pair
At Kmart
Because that’s what they do
Consume
Consume
Consume
That’s what we all do
Lose something, we buy another
What will happen when the gloves are all gone?
No one ever loses a pair
Only one at a time
Except I do know someone
Who lost a pair, more than once
If hearts were like gloves, we’d all be broken
Maybe hearts are gloves, two are useful together, they make sense
One without the other will always just be lost.

incompatible

they’ve got nothing in common except the straw
and maybe the way their insides look
but still they make a cute pair
as they sit side by side
in front of a fire
that hasn’t burned in a while
and his face is the color
of her dress
as if she colored him that way
he’s tattered and torn
she’ll offer to mend him
and sweep his floors
hoping he’ll remember
she is his home

notice posted/return to sender

a week ago you said it’s simple
i said it’s complicated
this week you say it’s complicated
i say it’s simple
we’ve made a mess
but it’s beautiful
you’re wrestling
trying to settle your own heart
i’ve ripped off the label
that said “handle with care”
but i don’t think you’ve noticed
that i can’t break in the same way
i used to
i’m posting a new sign
“free, please take all”
and i’ve drifted back
to the only home i’ve ever known
all you gotta do is
turn on the porch light
and leave the key under the mat

R1, R2, and C

soul mates. what a heavy phrase. i know that i have met three of my soul mates. i do not know how many soul mates there are for my soul. i do know that i miss all three of my known soul mates fiercely.

the first soul mate i met was a girl in high school. we had anatomy class together. she was a vegetarian. except for bacon. since high school we have lost contact and reconnected several times. i always miss her, yet i have the hardest time tracking her down. instead she finds me. it’s been a while since we’ve talked. she has a son just five days older than my J. whenever she resurfaces, we’ll catch up on the time we’ve lost and maybe this time we won’t lose touch. we fall in love with souls, not genitals. i love this woman and i could see us living together and raising our sons together, and when the boys grow up and go to college, we’ll get kittens and we’ll grow into old cat ladies.

the second soul mate i met was R. if you’re an avid reader of this little blog, you know a bit about him. i was able to look at is eyes last week, they are exactly as i remembered them. we talked for something like an hour, we had things to talk about, but neither of us could stay on topic so the conversation drifted all over, it was beautiful. it is those conversations, however rare they are, that remind me that R is a mate to my soul. he is intertwined in me. if ever i tried to remove him from my being it would cause me sure and sudden death i am certain.

the third soul mate i met was C. what can i say about C? he caught me so off guard, i didn’t have time to post the “F*** Off” sign back up on my forehead. he was under my skin the first time we talked, even though it was months before we talked again and i’m sure he didn’t even remember the first time, it was kind of inconsequential. the second time we talked, the first by his count, apparently he had to work up the courage to talk to me. he had noticed me for days, weeks perhaps, and though i looked like someone he’d like to talk to. he was shyer than i realized and quiet in general, although he never ran out of things to say when i was around.

float back to me, please

i notice when you have sunglasses
and i notice more when you don’t
but still i do not look in your eyes
i’m sure that if i do i will forget
how to breathe
and yet i barely remember their color
and question whether my memory
is correct or created
are they the even honey brown
that i’ve always thought they were?
or something else entirely?

you showed me the ring you got
a symbol for our youngest son
you took it off your finger
and handed it to me
my first thought
was to put it on my finger
my left ring finger
stopped myself just in time
and slipped it on my pinkie instead
we talked about the ring a second
before i handed it back to you

tonight was one of those nights
the nights where i forget who we are
forget that we don’t talk often
tonight you smiled, i smiled
tonight you laughed, i laughed
we talked about life
talked about little things
you told me how much you love
riding your motorcycle
and you gotta fix your tire
i told you about my soon-to-be-born nephew
and his name and how unfortunate it is

In response to Eyes.

it’s a long story

is she your security blanket
or your government-issued ankle-bracelet,
or maybe you just love her
and you’re too fucking codependent?

I wrote the first verse
before you showed up tonight,
but when I saw the dust,
I knew you’d left her home.

she makes you drive lame,
like she’s precious cargo
and a bump might break her,
whereas I let you push 96

and in a Volvo too
back when it was just us.
the cop let you off easy
with just a speeding ticket for 90.

and so we stood in the driveway.
tonight I had time to stare,
to remember your face,
but not close enough to memorize

your eyes. More feet between us
than I would have liked,
but I think it was for safety
because our walls didn’t exist tonight.

I joked about being too clumsy
to be a stripper and you laughed.
A genuine laugh, probably because
you know it’s true. And now I’m taken

back to yesterday when J
“taught” me how to play guitar
and I showed him that my old acoustic
makes a pretty good drum too.

And then I remembered,
two years or so ago I wrote
“Learn to play (and sing) Sheridan
on guitar” on a list of random to-dos,

meant to help straighten
my life out and
make some sense of
a broken heart and uncertain future.

Tonight I’m looking up tab
and telling myself tomorrow
I’ll begin to learn Sheridan
and someday I’ll sing it for you.

I think this one could go on
for years because tonight
I ache to count the freckles
that color your yellow cheeks brown.

and every moment of our lives
is colliding with 30 minutes
we spent in my parents’ driveway,
encompassing fifty plus years-

our ages added together because
even our years together would be
seen different thru the other’s eyes,
@ six thirty pm on July 29^th 20-16.

still waiting

Normally I wouldn’t share something from my Facebook account, but one that just popped on the “On This Day” app is feeling very relevant today. Two years ago this is what I posted on Facebook:

“I believe in true love. Sometimes it’s small and gentle, other times it’s gigantic and intense, at times it gets misplaced and you’re scared it’s gone, but maybe it’s really always there and you can never shake the feeling you have for that person; true love never fails, it waits, it weathers every storm. I will wait, call me an idiot, but I’ll wait.”

This is about R, of course. He picked the boys up today because I had a family thing. He wasn’t in a rush and was totally cool with the fact that the kids were soaking wet and dirty. He shook my brother’s hand, said hey to my nephew, asked about my other brother’s truck, talked about having leftover Christmas candy. We made “small talk” for longer than we usually do. We asked a little about each other’s families and talked about upcoming events. Today was an easy interaction with R, ridiculously easy, to the point where I do not know why we’re not together. Oh wait, yes I do know: he has a girlfriend/fiance. I truly believe that if he was not with her, he and I would have a real chance at being a couple again. Regardless of the crushes I’ve had and regardless of what happened with C, I still love R and I fall in love with R basically ever time I see him and sometimes a text is enough to hook me back in. R is my true love and I’ll hold out for him for the rest of my life.

Rupert, because we both like gingers.

I thought we would
have a thousand more
conversations in your garage
or under blankets
in your living room,
not watching Harry Potter.

Hundreds of trips
in your friends’ cars.
And we’d go to the movies
but view separate titles.
I’d say I don’t like my hair sometimes,
you’d say it’s beautiful always.

So many words
we’ll never say now.
I think we were both
set on destroying
any chance of us
before we even started us.

Borrowing a line from H:
One store towns
make me feel
a certain kind of way.
Will I be able to breath
next time I see you in aisle 9B?

C, if ever you read this,
know there was is gravity
between us.
Heart gravity and soul gravity.
The world will keep us apart,
unless our hearts conquer the world.

Once or Twice

If everything could just go right
for an hour or two,
it would be Friday night
and you’d say hi instead of hey.
You’d show up early
and say we need to talk.
It’d be just warm enough
to walk a few blocks.
You wouldn’t apologize,
wouldn’t say leaving was a mistake.
You’d boldly tell me you have no regrets,
but still you miss me.
I’d tell you I love you
as our hands collide.
Accidentally on purpose.
You’d lace your fingers into mine,
close the distance between us
before I can breathe twice.
But you wouldn’t kiss my lips,
you’d trace them with your thumb.
“I love you” you’d say.
We’d stand like this
while the world continues on without us.
We’d both forget to blink
as everything we’ve never said
passes between us in the silence.
Our souls would admit
what our minds too often denied.
And if nothing made sense after that,
I’d still walk away happy.

Our Song On Repeat

I love you.
How incredibly selfish,
to say those three words.
I’d be setting you up
to break my heart.

I don’t even know
who this poem is about.
I could see myself
falling asleep in his arms,
but yours are still
the safest I’ve ever known.

Why am I still waiting
for you to notice me?
His soul might match mine
as well as yours ever did.
What if I let him in,
only to wake up to you knocking?

Want me, before my heart
convinces me it’s okay.
Okay to love someone new
and okay to give up on you.
Some puzzle pieces remain lost,
while others are found.